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pqorer1

2 months ago

Just share your jokes (puns is even better)...

Don't copy from Reddit, plz.

Comments

  • 2 months ago
  • 9 points

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven. St. Peter motions the first one to come forward and tell how he died.

The man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I live on the 10th floor so I snuck up the stairs and tried to sneak into our apartment but I used the wrong key the first time. I finally burst into the apartment and ran to the bedroom. My wife was naked in bed but I searched everywhere and couldn't find anyone. Then I looked out the kitchen balcony and saw a guy running down the fire escape. I was so angry the only thing I could think to do was roll the refrigerator to the balcony and heave it over. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"I see. Well, you may enter," said St. Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and St. Peter asks for his story.

"You see, I live on the 5th floor of my apartment building, and I was late for work this morning so I decided to take the fire escape. Just as I reached the ground, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and kills me, and now I'm here."

St. Peter says, "Hmmm, interesting. You may enter."

St. Peter asks the third man to come forward and tell his story.

"Well, sir, it's like this: I'm hiding in this refrigerator, minding my own business..."

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

heard before but okay

  • 2 months ago
  • 8 points

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!


I don’t know why I still tell this joke.

  • 2 months ago
  • 7 points

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over nothing they'd be ghouls and that's creepy

  • 2 months ago
  • 5 points

You didn’t make my day, you just made my entire week!

  • 2 months ago
  • 5 points

its kind of a Mormon joke so if you get it you get it i guess but: What happened to the guy who got LDS and LSD mixed up, He went on a mission instead of a trip HAHA FUNNy

  • 2 months ago
  • 0 points

wut...?

lsd's drug?

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

yeah and lds is mormons and mormons go on missions and try to convert people to become mormon

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

Oh, most the Utah dudes

  • 2 months ago
  • 5 points

What do you call a French racist?

A baguette.

  • 2 months ago
  • 5 points

A homeless guy knocks on the door of a huge mansion. When the lady answers he explains that he'd like some money to buy food. The lady says, "I didn't get to be rich by handing out money to beggars. If you want money from me, you'll have to work for it!"

The man says he's happy to work to earn the money and asks what she wants him to do. "Paint the porch around back and I'll give you $5. You'll find the paint & equipment in the shed, and," the lady adds, "you'd better do a good job or you'll get nothing!"

An hour later the man knocks on the front door again. When the lady answers he tells her he's finished and asks for his money. The lady exclaims, "It's a huge porch! It should have taken you all day!

You couldn't possibly have done a good job. I'm not paying you a penny! Now get out of here before I call the police!"

The man says, "I did do a good job! And for your information, it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

r/holup

  • 2 months ago
  • 4 points

Why did Samus Aran win the beauty pageant?

Because the judges Chozo her.

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

You have earned my exhale and my upvote.

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

I know a few.

  • Class of 2021
  • My life
  • My twitch viewership
  • These kinds of threads
  • RTX 2070 SUPER's price to performance
  • The 2016 MSI Contest
  • Gigabyte RGB fusion
  • Donald Trump's Presidency (RIP Karma)
  • Hewlett-Packard's Reliability
  • 2 months ago
  • 4 points

As a '21 student I am offended.

Or are you referring to your class of 2021?

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

I am referring to the class of 2021. It might be different elsewhere, but the ones at my school are absolutely brain dead.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

I don't know. We have like 3 stupid people and everyone else is pretty smart.

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

To add on:

  • Communism
  • Technical Support
  • "IT" Professionals (not the ones with degrees)
  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

Communism

HEYYYYYYYYYYY, NO

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

"IT" Professionals (not the ones with degrees)

:(

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

we all the same

[comment deleted]
  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

Hewlett-Packard's Reliability

Same man, same

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Hey, Hewlett-Packards are better than Dells. I will never own a Dell. Heck, why buy a prebuilt at all? Building PCs has much better quality and performance per dollar.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Im the opposite. I've owned plenty of HPs and Dells. The HPs always die on me, while the Dells are always asking for more.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

I had an HP PC for 2 years before it was nowhere near powerful enough to get my PC gaming hobby jumpstarted. It’s now sitting in my mom’s office, after the graphics card in her previous PC died. I have a Dell Inspiron 5680, (specs in my profile), and that works quite nicely for schoolwork and light to moderate gaming at 1080p. I love how it has passive CPU cooling, which is a really nice upgrade from Intel’s absolutely horrible stock cooler

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Dell does have better warranties than HP but yeah I totally agree about building your own. You end up with a much better system and you get to pick all the parts for the PC so you can get faster ram, quality PSU, better motherboard, etc. Also to me part of the fun getting a new PC is building it yourself.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

I have a Dell Inspiron Gamintg 5675 (I made a mistake in that other thread when I said it was a 4000). So far it hasn't exploded.

You buy a prebuilt when you have next to no cash, you need a PC, RAM is twice as expensive as it is now, and its the height of the GPU/bitcoin mining crisis/situation/thing. That is why I got mine in November 2017. Also I didn't have time to dig around for used parts.

Also that windows license only happens to account for 1/4 of the budget.

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

I saw a Nun smoking. I said "that's a bad habit".

Saw a man writing on the wall of a train slowly starting to move. I said "it's not stationery".

I was working in a store when a woman tried to return a jar of vinegar. She said "it's lumpy", I said "those are pickled onions".

Told a friend I was getting into fencing. The next day he comes round with a Samurai sword, I said "that's massive", he says "yes but it is stolen". The next day he comes round with a post.

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

For some reason I don't get it

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

Nuns wear habits. Then, "stationary" means not moving, but when written "stationery" it means what you write on e.g. letters & writing paper etc. The lumps in the vinegar were pickled onions. The friend didn't understand which type of fencing I was referring to, thus brought a stolen sword, when this proved wrong, brought a fence post.

  • 2 months ago
  • 4 points

Oh, they're separate jokes

I thought they were all related lol

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

My life.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahaha.... haaa.....

Yup.

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

At the end of the day, you are solely responsible for your success and your failure. And the sooner you realize that, you accept that, and integrate that into your work ethic, you will start being successful. As long as you blame others for the reason you aren't where you want to be, you will always be a failure.

Someone told me that when I told him when about my joke.

Succeed boi

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

These are also definitely the words of an already successful man, or someone who has the ability to influence the success or failure of others.

It's easy to tell someone else to only blame themselves, especially when you're not the one directly facing extreme circumstances, variables beyond your control, or deliberately unfair chances.

It's even greater as a scapegoat for when you're the one with determinate power over whether said individual does or does not succeed. "You can only hold yourself responsible" says the man who actively declines you.

[comment deleted]
  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

It's only a joke my dude :P

I'm honestly doing quite alright, and I do agree with the quote. We're all behind the figurative wheel of our own lives, steering in one direction or another. Those who opt for inaction and then blame others for their circumstances is the equivalent of letting go of the wheel and blaming a tree for getting in the way.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

like watching an exec walk out in front of a bus and blaming the bus for being there,

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

  • 2 months ago
  • 4 points

Why did the child cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

  • 2 months ago
  • 3 points

Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Haha

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

still playing games with my laptop :(

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Anti-joke, but okay

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Why did the dead person cross the road?

They didn't.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts.

[comment deleted]
  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

To get away from Col. Sanders?

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

A good joke:

The price of the Mac Pro.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Maybe not the new iPhone though...

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

The price of the Mac Pro.

How about the price on just the stand that holds it? $999

  • 2 months ago
  • 2 points

What did the doe say when she rushed out of the woods? I'll never do that for two bucks again.

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

What do you call social media for trees?

Yewtube

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

A blonde and a brunette are walking down opposite banks of a stream. As they walk, more streams merge and now it's a large river. The brunette asks,"how do I get on the other side?" The blonde replies, "you already are."

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

Hold on...

  • 1 month ago
  • 1 point

Why did the Destiny player cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out!

  • 1 month ago
  • 1 point

Is that... EA or something?

  • 2 months ago
  • -2 points

knock knock who’s there joe joe who joe who your mom ran off with

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

who joe is

  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

joe mama dabs

  • 1 month ago
  • 2 points

joseph stalin

[comment deleted]
[comment deleted]
[comment deleted by staff]
[comment deleted]
  • 2 months ago
  • 1 point

The hammer gonna break u

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